Ramblings of Silver Blue


25 Aug 07

Music of the Afternoon

“Time and Tide” by Basia

It’s hard for me to stop my heart
love never knows
when the time is right
I don’t want to hurt
anybody but
can’t help loving you

I never felt like this before
I know this is special
worth waiting for
let life take take its course
that’s the only thing
for us to do

We got time, oh baby,
there’s no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will
wait for you
our love will always stay as good as new

Time and tide
nothing and no one
can stop us now
for better for worse
this time I’m sure
it’s gonna last

How can I stop my heart?
Love never knows
when the time is right
don’t want to hurt
anybody
don’t want to make them cry
(don’t want to make them cry)

We’ve got time, oh baby
there’s no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will wait for you

Our love will always stay as good as…
new!
It’s a matter of time
only a matter of…
Time and tide
nothing and no one
can stop us now
for better for worse
this time I’m sure
it’s gonna last
gonna last forever

We got time, oh baby
there’s no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will wait for you….

Reaching back through the years, I can only ask: Kayleigh, do you remember?

25 Aug 07

I’m so happy, I can’t stand myself.

Before I started Body for Life in March, I bought a suit — and was thoroughly depressed. I was a tight 50.

Today, Tink and I made the journey out to Kohl’s, and they tell you — expect great things.

I tried on several leather jackets, and a couple suit jackets.

The 44s are a bit large, the 42s are a bit tight. WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which means I’ve basically lost 7 inches from my chest, 10 inches from my waist, and heavens only know what else I’ve lost (other then my mind, from time to time…but that’s becoming less frequent).

In regards to bowling on Wii…I bowled at 254 today! Damn I’m happy!

Amazing what a positive outlook can give you. My only question is … why did it take me this long to realize it?

24 Aug 07

Remember….it starts with one!!

Regardless of whether or not this is a valid post, it should make you stop and think about what equality REALLY means.

Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people. I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay and that he couldn’t face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won’t get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don’t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you’d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I’m puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that’s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I’ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.”

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn’t give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn’t the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 ‘05 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?”

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?

24 Aug 07

Some musical quotes of the day

“Deliver me, out of my sadness…
Deliver me, from all of the madness…
Deliver me, courage to guide me,
Deliver me, strength from inside me….
all of my life, I’ve been in hiding,
wishing there was someone just like you…” – Sarah Brightman

“So many years gone,
still… I remember.
How did I ever let my heart believe
in one who never gave enough to me?” – Olivia Newton-John

“I want Shakespear’s sonnets,
I want ooohs and ahhhs…
I want long stemmed roses in a Gucci vase,
and I want kisses that go on for days,
I want more than these things in so many ways…
I more relating, I want less debating,
I want all those things I’ve been waiting for…
So in case you’re listening,
if you want me, really want me, if you want me, I want more….” – Linda Eder

Just a trio of cutesy quotes to brighten your day. For no reason, really, other than they made me happy.

24 Aug 07

Explaination to my absence

One a few of you readers of the ramblings have written me, wondering what’s going on since I’m not my normal rambling self.

Let me state, for the record: Nothing’s wrong. For once, I’m content. I feel good, about my situations, myself, and all that hoopla.

Remember that being content does not equal being complacent. I’m just learning to live in the moment and enjoy the abundance that the universe has always offered me, but that I’ve shunned because I didn’t think I deserved it.

Your deep thought of the day:

“In many shaman societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited or depressed, they would ask you one of four questions:

When did you stop dancing?
When did you stop singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by stories?
When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?

Where we stopped dancing, singing, being enchanted by stories, or finding comfort in silence is where we have experienced the loss of soul. Dancing, singing, storytelling and silence are the four universal healing selves.”

Angeles Arrien ~ Cultural anthropologist

23 Aug 07

With my morning cawfee…™

Hello everyone.

Does anyone know a good dream interpreter? I had an interesting (at least to me) dream last night about my grandmother who passed away in 2004, and some photographs from my youth that she wanted, but I was reluctant to give her until I had scanned copies. (They were from instant developing Polaroids, so it’s not like there were negatives or anything to produce other prints from).

I’ll let you know what I think it meant, and feel free to leave your interpretation in the comments. I think it was my subconsicious telling me it was time to let go of my past. I’ve enjoyed it long enough, but it’s time to move on. It’s time to live, to actually BE in the here and now. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or giving up necessarily, but it means that by holding on so tightly to the things that used to matter, to the way I used to be, I’m stiffling my future.

That critique came to me in a flash this morning as I woke up.

I should share with you a wonderful resource I’ve found for meditation: the Meditation Center. Granted, it’s not the be all, end all on the subject. But it does have several techniques I’ve found to be helpful.

May your day be filled with peace, the way I want mine to be.

22 Aug 07

Thanks for all the well-wishes

I am feeling much better today. The stomach has calmed down. In fact, the grilled veggies I made for dinner tonight hit the spot. In the summertime, when the produce is fresh, I could almost be a vegetarian.

Anyway, it’s time for me to go to bed and dream of wonderful things to come.

I leave you with another deep thought:

An affirmation is a strong, positive statement that something is already so. – Shakti Gawain

22 Aug 07

Deep thought of the day

“Faith precedes the miracle.” – Unknown

21 Aug 07

When the universe wants to communicate

…it usually finds a way to smack you in the head and make you listen.

Take today. I haven’t been able to keep any food down due to myriad reasons. So, I came home early from work, which I almost *never* do. Really. It takes me almost being on my deathbed to even consider going home.

But home I did travel. Tried to eat, lost it again.

Found the book that hit me in the head a while back (Living In The Light) and thought, I need to reread this and see what I can gleen from it.

Then, the universe decided I *WOULD* be reading it, if I wanted to or not. A matter of conveniently killing power to the neighborhood for four hours. I slept for about an hour of it (I awoke feeling better, and craving the rib tips from the local chinese restaurant. Which I will probably order, even if they make me sick.

It’s one of those days where I simply have to take care of myself and let the world deal with its own problems.

21 Aug 07

Deep thought of the day

Love is anterior to life, posterior to death, initial to creation, and the exponent of breath. – E. Dickinson

21 Aug 07

It’s not a good day.

The Change
Garth Brooks

One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It’s like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you’ll never change things
And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing
But it’s not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It’s like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you’ll never change things
And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing
But it’s not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone

I hear them saying you’ll never change things
And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing
But it’s not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me

What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me

20 Aug 07

Something very important at this very moment

Songs find you from the past for a purpose.

It’s just like 1988, all over again. May I not make the same errors in judgment this go round.

“Meet Me Halfway” – Kenny Loggins

In a lifetime
made of memories
I believe
In destiny

Every moment returns again in time
When I’ve got the future on my mind
Know that you’ll be the only one

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Out where the world belongs
to only you and I

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Make this a new beginning of another life.

In a lifetime
There is only love
Reaching for the lonely one

We are stronger when we are given love
When we put emotions on the line
Know that we are the timeless ones

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Out where the world belongs
to only you and I

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Make this a new beginning of another life.

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Out where the world belongs
to only you and I

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Make this a new beginning of another life!

Sent out to someone who is VERY special to me. Please don’t give up on me. I’m trying the best I know how.

20 Aug 07

The song/The Translation

Forbidden Dance/L’Amour Fou

En Français:

MAIS QUEL DESIR
M’ATIRE VERS LUI
PAR QUEL CURIEUX PLAISIR
IL ME SEDUIT1

LA NUIT QUAND IL SE GLISSE
AU FOND D’MON LIT
SES YEUX COMME UN ABYSSE
ME BRULENT , MAUDIT

JE SAIS C’EST L’AMOUR FOU
JE FRISSONNE DE SES DOIGTS SUR MON COU
OUI JE SAIS C’EST L’AMOUR FOU
QUAND IL ME PARLE JE ME MET A GENOUX

PAR QUEL JEU DU SORT
IL PREND MON CORPS
ET DE (EN) MOI IL S’AMUSE
ENCORE ET ENCORE

PUIS IL M’EMPORTE LOIN
LA SOUS SON AILE
IL ME CAJOLE , ME DIT QU’IL M’ADORE
SOUS L’EFFET DES CARESSES MOI JE M’ENDORE
PUIS IL S’ECHAPPE BIEN AVANT L’AURORE

JE SAIS C’EST L’AMOUR FOU
J’ABANDONNE, OU TOUT COMME PRESQUE TOUT
JE SAIS C’EST L’AMOUR FOU
ET J’IRAI S’IL LE FAUT N’IMPORTE OU

JE SAIS C’EST L’AMOUR FOU
JE FRISSONNE DE SES DOIGTS SUR MON COU
OUI JE SAIS C’EST L’AMOUR FOU
QUAND IL ME PARLE JE ME MET A GENOUX
JE SAIS C’EST L’AMOUR FOU
J’ABANDONNE, OU TOUT COMME PRESQUE TOUT
JE SAIS C’EST L’AMOUR FOU
ET J’IRAI S’IL LE FAUT N’IMPORTE OU

In English:
What is this desire that draws me to him?
He seduces me with a curious delight
At night he slips into my bed
His eyes burn like the abyss
They inflame and lie to me.

I know this is a crazy love
His fingers on my throat make me shiver
Yes, I know it’s a crazy love
When he speaks to me,
I get down on my knees

What is this game he plays with my heart?
He amuses himself with me over and over again…

Then he takes me far away
Under his wing
He teases me by telling me that he adores me
Under the effects of his caresses
I fall asleep
Then he escapes well before dawn.

I know this is a crazy love
His fingers on my throat make me shiver
Yes, I know this is a crazy love
When he speak to me,
If I must-I will go anywhere with him…

20 Aug 07

How do you see me?


You Are An INFJ


The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision – no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.

In love, you truly see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow.
You enjoy relationships as long as they are improving and changing. You can’t stand stagnation.

At work, you stay motivated and happy… as long as you are working toward a dream you support.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful

When other people don’t get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

What’s Your Personality Type?
20 Aug 07

Just Me, Finding Myself

Musical Interlude CD — This CD programmed itself from the random function on my iPod. Just one of the many services the universe provides.

1. Meet Me Halfway – Kenny Loggins
2. Have You Ever Been In Love – Celine Dion
3. How Could I Ask For More – Akiko
4. Absolutely – Eurogliders
5. Never In A Million Years – Nicki French (talk about your polar opposites, eh?)
6. To Go Beyond, Pt. 2 – Enya
7. Vitality – One More Time
8. A Thing About You – Roxette
9. Nature of Love – Waterfront
10. Say The Words – Matt Bianco
11. Something To Believe In – Linda Eder
12. Communion – Swing Out Sister
13. Not A Sinner, Nor A Saint – Alcazar
14. Blue Skies – Sam Harris
15. Don’t Believe In Accidents – Per Gessle
16. This One’s For You – Barry Manilow
17. Forbidden Dance (L’Amour Fou) – Sasha Lazard
18. In Your Eyes – Kylie Minogue
19. Forgive and Forget – Basia

20 Aug 07

An important picture that found me.

do-what-you-believe.jpg

‘Nuff Said.

20 Aug 07

With my morning cawfee…™

Pull up a chair, people. It’s been one of those lives.

I can’t say things are bad; but when things have been good for as long as they have, you really don’t have anywhere to go but down a few notches.

After having a knot between my shoulder blades that just would NOT let go, I finally took some meds and crashed around 9. It may have been a little later than that, but I’m not sure. All I know is that this morning, I am FAR less in pain.

The weekend was nothing like I’d hoped for it to be. PR passed his kidney stone. RadioMan came over for a cup of coffee and to bowl a few games on the Wii (yes, I *AM* interested in the Saturday morning position — where do I need to send my resume? It’s only been 20 years since I was involved in radio), Tink went on a date, and me? Well, I’m more confused now than I’ve been in a long, long time.

Why my confusion? Because I’m attempting to find direction in my life. I’m trying to decide what I want to do, where I want to do it, and whom I want in my life.

I’m attempting to process all the mixed signals I’ve been receiving from everywhere. I’m attempting to reconnect with some old friends. I don’t know if I should, really, because it was they who abandoned me while I was in a less-than-healthy relationship.

I have my questions in other parts of my life, too, however. I can’t deny that. My intuition is going haywire with crossed wires. I guess the only thing I can do now is to sit back and let the Universe take the lead on where I’m supposed to go.

It’s painful to realize that I’m powerless (which, interestingly enough, is one of the 12 steps in most recovery programs) over some parts of my life. I have to accept that I have made a perfect mess of the previous 38 years, 4 months, 20 days. I also have to recognize that others may not see my true essence; what I’m truly about. My passions, my emotions, my devotion, the core of my very being.

Most of all, I need to acknowledge that maybe it’s best that some people whom I want in my life don’t see that in me. It could be a sign that I’m keeping myself from being hurt even more by what I am not matching up with what people see. That good ol’ “Silver Blue Experience” isn’t for everyone (LOL).

If there’s one thing this morning cup of cawfee has shown me, is that you can ask things of others; you can think they may feel the same way as you. You can bare your soul and still not be enough for some people. Heavens know that in my previous relationships, they took that information and used it against me.

It will be a long, long time before someone… oh, who am I kidding? I’m a soft-hearted guy. Love decides for you. You don’t have the capability to control it. So, when it happens again for me (being in love, that is), be it tomorrow, next week, next year . . . I need to be ready to welcome it with open arms.

Does that make me a bad person?

19 Aug 07

With my morning cawfee…™

It’s been a while since I poured myself a fresh cup and sat down to talk with everyone in the morning.

Something’s happening in my life, to me, and I’m not sure what it is. I sleep about 5 hours a night. Sometimes less.

The universe is slapping my face (figuratively, of course) via my ipod again, with such songs as “Turn Back Time” by Aqua, “Northern Star” by Christine McVie, “I Want You To Need Me” by Celine Dion, “The Fear Of Being Alone” by Reba McEntire.

I’m trying to move past my insecurities, to quit being so damn needy. My problem is that all my life, I’ve been a people person. I appear to be a textbook case of how NOT to live your life.

A plea to the universe: you know what is in my heart; I can’t make this journey on my own.

So close, so far away.

19 Aug 07

Music of the night

[audio:twe.mp3]

I could be contented
I don’t need to suffer
You’re beautiful
Good to talk to
You make an impression
To take my attention
And when you touch my skin
I smell disaster

Step away – walk away
All i want is the real thing
(nothing but the real thing)

Walking on pavements
We collect in bars
Asleep in the houses
So alone –
Looking inside herself
She breaks the glass
Turns her head backwards
She’s fallen down again

(Eurythmics: The Walk [bootleg extended version])

Before you ask, no, the song’s not meant for anyone. It popped up on my ipod, and I remembered how I felt in 1982, listening to it for the first time (of course, in those days, it was just the album version and not a bootleg extended. 🙂 .

19 Aug 07

A song for a few people who used to be

an integral part of my life.

I’m not naming names. I’m just saying.

[audio:jwa.mp3]

There’s a reason you’re part of my past. Please stay there.

17 Aug 07

Get inside my head for a minute.

This is one of those times when I actually invite you in. Normally, it’s stay at arms length or I bite.

But seriously. Have you ever had one of those weeks where, for the most part, everything went better than you could have ever hoped (or prayed) for?

This is one of those weeks. I know far better than to try to hold on to it … for I clearly remember what happened the last time I attempted to stop the flow and turn of the universe.

Regardless of what happens in the future, I’m stating that right here, right now, Friday, August 17, 2007, I have had one of the best weeks that I could have been blessed with.

Even if I didn’t necessarily invite you all in to share it with me.

17 Aug 07

Music of the Night

One Heart
Written by John Shanks, Kara DioGuardi
Performed by Celine Dion

One heart you are following…
You can run
And you can begin
In a place
Where you don’t fit in
‘Cause love will find a way
When you’re down
You can start again
Turn around
Anything you’re in
Love will find a place
If you got…
One heart you are following
One dream that keeps you wandering
Love lights your way through the night
One wish that keeps you trying
What’s your silver lining
Love lights your way through the night
You can fall a thousand times
You can feel like you’ve lost your mind
But love will find a way
And a minute
Can change your life
And a moment can make it right
Love will find a place
Chorus
Everybody needs something to hold onto
(Repeat)
If you got…
One heart you are following
One dream that keeps you wandering
Love lights your way through the night
One wish that keeps you trying
What’s your silver lining
Love lights your way through the night
Is it your own
Is it your own

17 Aug 07

Happiness is an option

The title is from a Pet Shop Boys song.

We haven’t been in Ramblings 4.0 too long, and while my postings haven’t been of epic length, there’s been plenty of changes going on behind the scenes — not just external to myself, but inside as well.

It is not easy… I’m learning, I’m feeling my way out of the darkness. Yes, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve started talking about leaving the darkness, detoxing, etc. frequently.

I’d gotten to a point where my life was a mere shell of what it could have been because I decided to “settle”, and became what I thought was comfortable.

Then something happens and, like a wave:

wave1.jpg

Your life is changed forever. You start having faith in yourself, you start standing up for yourself, what you believe in, and what you will and will not accept. You put one foot in front of the other, and start moving forward.

You cross those Rubicons. Granted, I’m still hesitant when I’m breaking out of old thought and action patterns. I’m leaving what I know, going into the unknown. The arcane.

The important thing is that you need to surround yourself with positive people, positive energy. You’ll find out that it actually helps keep you charged, both mentally and emotionally.

I find my “down” days (where I’d basically be grey [those into auras know of which I speak]) are happening less and less. I speak up when I’m confused or not clear on something — regardless of how mundane it may be.

I find more joy and happiness in simply being.

I find that I am learning to love myself, imperfections and all.

I have finally found inside of me, the only thing that you have more of the more you give it away.

I’m more emotional, I’m more spiritual (though not through organized religion), I’m becoming more centered.

In short, I may have been physically born in 1969, but I have been spiritually reborn in 2007.

I’ll leave you with a quote from the French mathematician, physicist, and religious philosopher Blaise Pascal (from Pensées):

“Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point; on le sait en mille choses.”

17 Aug 07

Remember to always look on the bright side.

Being someone who lived in the darkness for far too long in my 38 years, I have to admit that having a more positive outlook on life takes some getting used to.

The entire detox process is not easy, but very necessary if I ever intend on being whole and happy with whom I am. I have been a magnet for negativity and harm for far too long.

Have you ever been in a situation like that?

16 Aug 07

A way of centering and re-energizing

I’ve found a certain few meditation exercises that have helped center me in the last few days.

I’m thankful to everyone who has sent me their suggestions.

Much love to those who have sent the same my way.

Your help has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. 🙂

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