Ramblings of Silver Blue


20 Aug

With my morning cawfee…™

Pull up a chair, people. It’s been one of those lives.

I can’t say things are bad; but when things have been good for as long as they have, you really don’t have anywhere to go but down a few notches.

After having a knot between my shoulder blades that just would NOT let go, I finally took some meds and crashed around 9. It may have been a little later than that, but I’m not sure. All I know is that this morning, I am FAR less in pain.

The weekend was nothing like I’d hoped for it to be. PR passed his kidney stone. RadioMan came over for a cup of coffee and to bowl a few games on the Wii (yes, I *AM* interested in the Saturday morning position — where do I need to send my resume? It’s only been 20 years since I was involved in radio), Tink went on a date, and me? Well, I’m more confused now than I’ve been in a long, long time.

Why my confusion? Because I’m attempting to find direction in my life. I’m trying to decide what I want to do, where I want to do it, and whom I want in my life.

I’m attempting to process all the mixed signals I’ve been receiving from everywhere. I’m attempting to reconnect with some old friends. I don’t know if I should, really, because it was they who abandoned me while I was in a less-than-healthy relationship.

I have my questions in other parts of my life, too, however. I can’t deny that. My intuition is going haywire with crossed wires. I guess the only thing I can do now is to sit back and let the Universe take the lead on where I’m supposed to go.

It’s painful to realize that I’m powerless (which, interestingly enough, is one of the 12 steps in most recovery programs) over some parts of my life. I have to accept that I have made a perfect mess of the previous 38 years, 4 months, 20 days. I also have to recognize that others may not see my true essence; what I’m truly about. My passions, my emotions, my devotion, the core of my very being.

Most of all, I need to acknowledge that maybe it’s best that some people whom I want in my life don’t see that in me. It could be a sign that I’m keeping myself from being hurt even more by what I am not matching up with what people see. That good ol’ “Silver Blue Experience” isn’t for everyone (LOL).

If there’s one thing this morning cup of cawfee has shown me, is that you can ask things of others; you can think they may feel the same way as you. You can bare your soul and still not be enough for some people. Heavens know that in my previous relationships, they took that information and used it against me.

It will be a long, long time before someone… oh, who am I kidding? I’m a soft-hearted guy. Love decides for you. You don’t have the capability to control it. So, when it happens again for me (being in love, that is), be it tomorrow, next week, next year . . . I need to be ready to welcome it with open arms.

Does that make me a bad person?

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