Ramblings of Silver Blue


05 Aug

In the mirror, I see…

It’s been a strange month, my friends. I’m in the process of reconstructing my life from the ashes where I’ve burned bridges, but unfortunately, no bodies.

In the interest of not having myself sued for harassment, I can’t give you the sordid details of my sordid life. What I *CAN* say, however, is that I hate being patronized. Let’s be honest here. You effed up. You lost me. Forever. There’s no going back for me this time.

I’m a dreamer — and a hopeless romantic. Which normally means I’m a fool and give people far too many “last chances”. In doing so, I find that I end up selling myself short, I compromise my integrity or my morals, and I end up, when all is said and done, hating not only the person who hurt me repeatedly, but hating myself for allowing them the power to do so.

Due to this confusion, it’s also taken a toll on the friendships I’ve made. Lady Who Counts held forth to me for over an hour about how she felt about the ex. UK Bound found out today, and found out why. People have just gotten so used to it being part of my life that the separation is painful, but in a way, it’s a lot like giving birth. It’s time to set them free. It truly is the hardest part of love — the letting go.

I’m a people person, who needs to be needed. But not to the point where my giving costs me far more than I could ever receive in return. Karma owes me, in spades, for all that I’ve done; I can never thank my true friends enough for still being here for me when all is said and done.

How clueless is the ex? Let’s just say that I’ve maintained a modicum of friendship with them, and because of that, they think that everything is still okay. They talk big, bragging normally, but to make the statement of “oh, let us know when something is happening (after UK Bound gets to the UK) and we’ll fly over. I’ve got an inheritance…” You know, it just didn’t sit well with me. Yes, I would love to go tot he UK, I would love to be there for UK Bound’s big event. But I can’t help but think that I’d be doing myself a disservice if I were to try to continue the charade. The love I once felt has been replaced by numbness and emptiness brought on by lies, infidelity, and an intuitive feeling that I don’t know the half of it. I’m probably better off NOT knowing.

Of course, I’ve been talking about ending this for years. In fact, I told THEM that it was over long before February 2006. Try January 2002. But there was always some promise, or excuse, or something, and I never had the guts to stand up for myself and say Enough is Enough (though I certainly wouldn’t do it like Barbra Streisand or Donna Summer sing about).

You would think that 5.5 years would be enough time to move on, to get yourself ready to start dating again. I know that out there is a person who would love to love me…that I could love in return. If only… well, If only.

That’s where the dreamer in me comes in. If only I knew where I could meet them. If only I knew the right words to say; the right way to say: here’s my heart, I’m taking a big step by offering it to you. You only get one chance to break it, so for my sake, love me back. Dammit, I know I’m worth something more than the way I’ve been made to feel by the last two relationships I’ve been in. I have value. I have self-worth. I have friends. What I don’t have is faith in myself.

I always think that I’m out of my league; that I’m not good enough; that I come up short one way or another.

I always feel like I’m less than everyone else. The kid always chosen last for the team because no one wants him (that was me in real life, as well). The kid that feels he always has something more to prove, to show that there IS more to what he appears to be.

The kid that always ends up alone.

Now, before you think I’m going to a pity party, and have invited the world with me to eat cake, know that I am aware of what I’m saying (and the emotional toll that it’s taking on me — which is great, if I am to be completely honest on this forum), and I’m using this post as a way to expunge these feelings. I am typing them to set them free. So that I have claimed my shortcomings, am acknowledging them, and am turning them loose, as I have no further need of them. They no longer serve me in any beneficial way.

I’m crossing another Rubicon in my life. At 38. I’m looking for travelers along the way, so that my journey won’t be a lonely solo excursion.

One Response to “In the mirror, I see…”

  1. 1
    radioman Says:

    amazing how parallel our lives are….

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