Ramblings of Silver Blue


12 Jul

TWTTEOSB 07-12-07

Oh, this is not a good evening. I told you it was gonna get heavy; little did I know how heavy it was going to be. Dad & Mom’s house got broken into today. Fortunately, they caught the three underage hoodlums, and eventually Mom and Dad will get their stuff back. As it were, however, whatever they get as a punishment (which is probably nothing) is minor comparing to the fact that I would opt to give them continual electroshock for a year or more…. I’d attach diodes to their ears and shove a stainless steel buttplug up their ass while using a nuclear reactor to power the jolts as water cascades over their twitching bodies.

Wow. I’m more than just a bit bitter tonight, eh?

Anyway, since there’s no one online for me to chat with tonight, I’m just going to sit here and have what was called “a good mental puke.” I’ve so many things that have been building up over the past 15 years that I need to let go of. Two failed relationships. Hell, make that three. Unrequited love. Infidelity. Insincerity. Falsehoods. Bitterness. Jadedness. Dating someone who ended up being a psychotic bitch. Is it too much to ask for sanity, sincerity, and sensuality?

Obviously so. 15 years ago I entered a relationship that should have been a warning sign. But still. It was the first person I’d dated in 5 years who wasn’t an alcoholic. Still, the infidelity was there almost from the beginning, but I was oblivious to it. Proving that love is indeed blind, the next user took me for a serious mind-f*ck. I never found out what happened, and that’s left me scarred, a bit paranoid, and questioning if I would ever have feelings for another person again.

I did manage to get my weight from 240 down to about 190, using the Body for Life program, without reverting to the bulimia that I suffered from when I was in high school and college.

“Not A Sinner Nor A Saint” by Alcazar

Tell me your destination
Could need some inspiration
Don’t make too much of it
Now let’s not analyze

This is a game with no rules
I won’t commit to I do
All I can say for sure is
What will be will be

In tears of joy and lack of sorrow (lack of sorrow)
I live my life the way I planned

I am not a sinner nor a saint
Not that I would loose my head and faint
Every time we touch, no
Am I forgiven
Living and loving my way
I am not a sinner nor a saint
You never gonna break my heart, I ain’t
Gonna let it happen, no
Am I forgiven
Confessions I make in the name of myself

Am I a bad boy, maybe
Am I a sad boy, let’s see
I can’t remember crying
Since I was a child
Don’t need no babysitter
No I am not that bitter
I get my satisfaction
Every now and then

In tears of joy and lack of sorrow (lack of sorrow)
I live my life the way I planned

I am not a sinner nor a saint
Not that I would loose my head and faint
Every time we touch – no
Am I forgiven
Living and loving my way
I am not a sinner nor a saint
You never gonna break my heart – I ain’t
Gonna let it happen, no
Am I forgiven
Confessions are made in the name of myself

Aah – not that I would loose my head and faint
(Oh no) Every time we touch – no
Am I forgiven
Living and loving my way
I am not a sinner nor a saint
You never gonna break my heart – I ain’t
Gonna let it happen – no
Am I forgiven
Confessions are made in the name of myself!

Then, after taking time to think I’ve healed myself, I get into another relationship. Oh yeah, right. Great lip service. Zero in the way of sincerity. Once again, self esteem goes in the crapper.

I extract myself and after a certain amount of time, date again. Thought it would work. Felt good for the first time in years. Then, proving that I’m too giving to and believing of others, they go beyond the psychotic. Let me say this: I can take a great deal of mental abuse (as my previous relationships have shown) but never, and I mean NEVER think you can get away with physical or mental abuse. I have enough pride to walk out the door and never look back, regardless how much it hurts. Regardless of how depressed it makes me. I walked through some dark days. Some days I thought the sun would never shine again. There were days… well, let’s just say there were days.

“Notgonnachange” by Swing Out Sister

I’ve reached a decision
It’s time to rearrange my life
We’re speaking the same words
Although their meaning has changed
You’re telling me what I want to hear
But what’s the use when we just don’t share
The same emotions that brought us together aren’t there

In this world, nothing lasts forever
Was it you who changed or me?
Should we go our separate ways or stay together?
Believe me when I say

I’m not gonna change
I’m not gonna change now
If you walk away
There’s no turning back now

I look in the mirror
And see a reflection that isn’t me
It’s hard to remember the girl that used to be me
In this world, nothing lasts forever
Was it you who changed or me?
Should we go our separate ways or stay together?
Believe me when I say

I’m not gonna change
I’m not gonna change now
If you walk away
There’s no turning back now I’m not gonna change
I’m not gonna change now
If you walk away
There’s no turning back now

In this world, nothing lasts forever
Was it you who changed or me?
Should we go our separate ways or stay together?
Believe me when I say

I’m not gonna change
I’m not gonna change now
If you walk away
There’s no turning back now

I’m not gonna change
I’m not gonna change now
If you walk away
There’s no turning back now

I’m not gonna change
I’m not gonna change now
If you walk away
There’s no turning back now

Of course, with slipping self-esteem, in my case, comes weight gain. In this case, I hit rock bottom. Years of being emotionally abandoned built up with disastrous results. Pound upon pound piled on. I took refuge behind the keyboard, not caring what I looked like. After all, if no one was going to love me, why should I bother to love myself? I hit my heaviest weight, 270 (possibly more, but that was when I started weighing myself), and basically mentally collapsed. I sat behind my keyboard 18 hours a day (between work and home). I bought larger clothes to attempt to hide my largess. My friends had basically deserted me because of the obnoxious behaviour of the one I thought I was in love with. I ballooned from a Medium/Large to a 2XL/3XL. In the midst of one of these collapses, a momentary flash of sanity.

In what could be called a pure act of self-preservation, I bucked everything. Everything had to change. I had to make a change to save myself. A change for myself. Most importantly, I had TO change myself. Before I lost any more qualities that might make me friendship material. Before I gained any more weight. Before I lost more of my health.

I had been diagnosed with a cranial hematoma in 2006. Basically, due to a number of mini-strokes that I’d had in 1998 (and probably continually had until I actively sought out medical help in 2006), I have a pocket of blood in the center of my brain. I spent thousands of dollars going to a neurosurgeon after this to try to find a way to solve this condition. Thousands of dollars down the drain. I was taken off aspartame (it causes massive depression in me, so that’s ok), as well as being forbidden to take aspirin and … forbidden to fly. Finally, this year, I’d had enough. After being made more and more paranoid and receiving ZERO in the way of answers, I fired the neurosurgeon.

My headaches, which, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst) had been averaging a 5 daily for over six months, with debilitating migraines thrown in, ceased. The weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. I was closing the door on part of my past. Sure, I have the hematoma. It’s there. I still don’t know what’s causing it, or what to do about it. But instead of being concerned about dying, I decided to live each day as if it were my last. Like that song says, “I love a little deeper, I laugh a little longer” (or something like that, I don’t feel like looking it up right now).

Then I decided, since I was turning over a new leaf, it was time to do something else for myself. I was looking for a sign. Tink and I had been out going through a flea market when I caught glimpse of the Body For Life book and Success Journal. I casually mentioned that I had had some success years ago. We continued our walk, and came back by the vendor. The books were still there, so expecting the price to be outrageous (the BFL book is $27, and the success journal is just about the same), and the answer came back $3. COMBINED. Well, if I ever needed a sign, there it was. I purchased the books and was on my way.

Of course, from day one, adversity reared its ugly head. I had people try to throw me off and away from the success I craved. But this time was different. This time, I was making changes to myself not to fit into anyone concept of what I should be. I was making these changes FOR myself. I am becoming the person I want to be. I am making the rules. The naysayers may step off. I’m creating myself.

Now, if I could simply find a way to release the anger and hurt I have built up inside. I believe love will come in its own time. This time, however, I’ll be ready for it. If I move to South Carolina, so be it. If I move to the UK, that’s fine too. I found out today that my French is still quite comprehendable, even if it’s rusty. So that means that I’m not but so limited in my scope.

I’ve not mentioned my disappointment to not receiving one email from my request (which request? Read the archives from this week and you figure it out). I figured you’d gotten sick of hearing me bitch by now.

So, I leave you with one more lyric:

“Still Got This Thing” by Alannah Myles

Why is it so hard
To say what’s on my mind
And why am I so proud
Still got this thing for you

I know you understand
But you still need a sign
Real love should shout out loud
Still got this thing for you

Hey baby can I carry your flame?
I wanna take you somewhere untamed
Don’t you know you’re driving me insane
Still got this thing for you

When you walk that way
I can feel the heat
Just below the surface
I’d do anything for you

When you’re out all alone
I hear things from the street
And I get kinda nervous
Still got this thing for you

Hey baby, can I carry your flame?
I wanna take you somewhere untamed
Don’t you know you’re driving me insane
Still got this thing for you

Let me see you smile come on look me in the eye
Too many times I let the chances go by
Pull down the shade turn out the light
Help me make up for all those nights tonight

(Will I know it’s true, still got this thing for you
Will I know it’s true, still got this thing for you)

Hey baby, can I carry your flame?
I wanna take you somewhere untamed
Don’t you know you’re driving me insane
If we can’t connect, oh that would be a shame

Well… Hey baby can I carry your flame?
I wanna take you somewhere untamed
Don’t you know you’re driving me insane
Still got this thing for you

(Still got this thing for you still got this thing for you)
Still got this thing for you
(still got this thing for you)
I do

(still got this thing for you)
I know
(still got this thing for you), you know I do, knock knock
(Still got this thing for you)

I get a thrill and I still got this thing for you
(Still got this thing for you still got this thing for you)
Oohoo (still got this thing for you still got this thing for you)
Still got this thing for you (still got this thing for you)
Hah (still got this thing for you)
You know I do, still got this thing for you

One Response to “TWTTEOSB 07-12-07”

  1. 1
    Tink Says:

    I don’t have any baby pictures! They were either lost in Isabel or at GH’s.

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