Ramblings of Silver Blue


03 Mar

Even Though I TryÖ

ÖI canít let go. What is it about failed relationships that you canít entirely shake them? My Ex and I separated in 1999. He finally moved out in 2001. Iíve been in a much better, healthier, more loving relationship since December 2000.

Why, then, do things still remind me of him? A song comes on, someone pronounces a word a certain way or uses a certain phrase, or maybe itís just a flash of colour, and all of a sudden, my memory kicks in and everything comes flooding back.

Try to understand: our split was not painless, amiable, or without fault on both our parts. I havenít spoken to him since April 2001. He sent me an email, some time last year, thanking me for something (Iíve even forgotten what it was in regards to). I remember he called my actions ďgentlemanly.Ē

I donít want to go back to that time in my life; mutual friends that we had have now dwindled down to two couples. I still do things that we used to do (like the Christmas parties every December), but they never remind me of him. Iíve chosen to surround myself with people who bring joy in my life.

Iíve often said the thing I miss most from that relationship is the miniature schnauzer, Sam, who loved me unconditionally, and genuinely seemed sad to be leaving.

Maybe itís because I was in a six year relationship for eight years? That most of that time was in the formulative years (I was in my 20s). That I actually made the insane (well, looking back it was insane) step of purchasing a house with him?

None of the other relationships in my life have ever brought me such indecision, such pain, and leave me shaking my head, wishing I could forget.

Just another reason Iím glad Iím not immortal. Otherwise, Iíd be forced to find a way to forget, or Iíd overload my brain.

2 Responses to “Even Though I TryÖ”

  1. 1
    mayor jimmy Says:

    you have my sympathy.

    my last relationship still burns my head. a couple months after it ended i stopped sleeping in the bed and moved to sleeping on the couch for a while cuz i just couldn’t take sleeping in that bed alone anymore. so i know what it’s like to be haunted.

    hang in there.

  2. 2
    Dawn Says:

    I was just blogging offline about relationship disasters past and wondering if I would ever find something functional. It’s amazing that, no matter how strong we are, some people just have a talent for fucking us up royally. ūüôĀ

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